Stone CC vs. Borden CC, 28 May 2022

The visit of Borden to Oakfield stirred up both good and bad memories for some members of the club. I’m sure I heard that story of their famous first win in three years against us and the ensuing photography session that followed told about six times on the day. Nevertheless, with their skip announcing they were not expecting much from their lot, it was a chance to get back on track after a couple of pretty rubbish defeats. In a rare move, I lost the toss and we would be batting first in a timed game.

Gracie and I opened and moved the score onto ten without loss before Gracie wafted lazily at some dob and missed it, bowled for a solitary run. I was dropped on about 7 from the same bloody shot I get out to every week, with the ball then bouncing off the bloke’s head and dollying up in the air (he dropped that too) before boundaries began to come for both Chungy and myself as we moved on to 41, until I went LBW for 21. Muttley didn’t quite recover from having to clear up a massive dog shit from the outfield and went for a two-ball duck (visit @ThatSoVillage for the photo on Twitter, we’ve never been so popular), shortly followed by Chungy toe-ending one back to the bowler for 12. With the scoreboard now reading 48-4 and the Stone Wobble™ was upon us, who better to turn up at this point than Stumpy to show us idiots how it’s done. At the other end, a returning Scrappy began teeing off, crunching six 4s, combining these with some excellent running until Stumpy chipped one up to go for 20. Scrappy was dropped, then out off a no-ball, before his dream ended for real on 41, followed by Dory playing exactly the same shot he got out to last week, gone caught and bowled for 3. Walkie spent some time attempting to dislocate his shoulders with some massive air shots (to be fair, he hit four of ‘em to the rope) before he missed a slow straight one for 20. Dicky (5*) and Paul (0* – off one ball) saw us to the close of innings, Stone posting 166/8 in the allotted time. Borden gifted us 43 extras, which was nice.

Tea was inhaled and the attack began with the regular pair of Walkie and Muttley. Walkie had to leave within the hour to do some trivial shit like saving people’s lives. Usually this would guarantee an immediate Shitbag award. However, an amazing spell of 8-5-7-5 just about got him out of it this week – a fully deserved first 5-for for Stone I believe. He was helped along the way by a horrendous wicket which hit both pads on its way through the batsman’s legs to tamely knock off a bail, and Dicky fackin’ Pusey holding on to an outstanding running catch at cow corner – moment of the season so far, I reckon. Muttley snuck in with a wicket early on too, the opening pair leaving a shell-shocked Borden 31/6 and delighted to see the back of Walkie when he buggered off early. No luck for Chungy or Dino this week, but Ryan, Dicky and Dory all grabbed a wicket each before Ryan held on to a good low catch at silly mid off to give Paul a wicket – off one ball. He’ll get a new nickname at this rate.

An excellent victory by 110 runs with everyone involved doing well, and credit to Borden for sticking it out. Awards – Walkie Talkie gets Big Pat this week for his five wicket haul, while Muttley takes home a very appropriate shit-shaped trophy for letting his dog shit on the outfield during the Borden innings. Over to the good Lord Rossington now to steer us through the next few games before I return to score a fucking duck at Teston.