So this week the baton of post match report comes down from the powers that be into the hands of yours truly. One can only assume Skip is currently troubling BHS for another hat, and Dartsy is too busy telling everyone within earshot about his 18 runs.
In time honoured tradition, we start with the author’s breakfast. It was dining to go as I grabbed a train to the new Mecca of Kent village cricket, and it’s fair to say the artisan fair of avocado, feta and chorizo on a fresh cut loaf with flat white jarred with arrival upon Northfleet station.
“I’m fucking sweating, and I’ve got an itchy vag” proclaimed a women in her early teens. Saw someone who looked very much like Jezza DC shortly after, but that must be a coincidence. I digress.
The match day set up was pretty perfect; great weather, a decent looking track and outfield to boot. In time honoured tradition, we lost the toss and were put in to bat by Borden who wanted to take first aim at Dartsy and Ross. And we started brightly, errant deliveries despatched to the boundary as all inconsistent bowling should be. Then more or less out of nowhere, Gower popped one up to square leg, who nervously gathered the spinning ball to stop Ross’ innings of 9.
The more disconcerting part of the dismissal was what it brought in at Number 3.
Proof if ever proof was needed that badgering does work at the club, as Jordan came in at Number 3. Predictably, it went a bit wobbly. Dartsy edged behind for 18, and “J Man” (still doesn’t work for me) departed for a second consecutive duck, caught at square leg. Racing Dan drove in and out for two, and at 33-4, it was looking ominous.
Then a welcome moment of batting force, as Kelvin came in and put the young spinner to the sword with some huge sixes. The skipper fell for 10, bowled around his legs and Kelv could only power himself so far, as he dropped out of the game for 30. The debutant, Kevin. ‘I normally open the bowling and bat at four’ Sangwine came to the crease, but the wide brimmed hat couldn’t save him from the one that kept low as he fell for ten. More on him later.
#Chungfumaster batted steadily, and was ultimately stranded on 19 as Walkie Talkie, Scrappy and Dino all hit double figures before falling in a manner of self inflicted ways. 158 all out, 20 minutes before tea meaning we’d have a longer run in the field. More time to take the wickets? Or more time to defend a total that was generally felt to be 15-20 short? Only time would tell.
So to bowling. The opening overs were entrusted to Jordan and #Chungfumaster who through no fault of their own didn’t have the best of starts. Three or four cheeky edges and Borden were 25 odd without loss from the opening exchanges. The luck dried and up, and the bowling was clearly too good for one of their openers who struggled to deal with the pace and swing of our opening two. Memories of a young Doug Ring were being evoked by the minute, compounded by a spear or two down the leg side. Memory is failing me here, but the book never lies and apparently they were 33/2. Mike with either one or two in his first stint.
Then a change of bowling, Dino plugged away for five overs with nothing to show for it. But that isn’t the story of the bowling change.
Months, perhaps years of social wooing went into Saturday. Replies, favourites and retweets have been exchanged. Prizes given at the fete. But the debut remained elusive in our pursuit of Mr Sangwine.
Until this weekend.
Never ones to miss a chance, we (I) immediately set about trying to psyche out our new teammate. More #hype than a 90s hip hop outfit. Expectations were growing by the day, with the final challenge of a debut five for thrown down Friday afternoon.
Well f#% me, for once it all worked out.
The stuttery run up raised eyebrows, no doubt about it. But before long, the first wicket came. If memory serves, it was a ball off the bat/legs that limped towards the stumps and barely knocked the bails over. But a wicket nonetheless. And like team pregnancies. One triggered two, triggered five. A debut five wicket haul?! Talk of Turnbull, unbelievable scenes. Ecstasy amongst the crowd.
Either that or heroin, I’ve no doubt someone was shooting up not too far away.
The tide had turned, momentum well and truly behind the great ship Stone. Atmosphere electric. Wickets falling. Scrappy, #Chungfumaster again, three in total. Borden on the ropes with nine down. One knockout blow needed. Who wanted to be the hero?
Well it wasn’t through lack of trying. We swung. We seamed. We slowed. We tried, really tried, but time beat us to the punch.
Match drawn. A winning draw, but still a draw. 158 vs. 130ish/9.
Post game analysis followed in the pub, with an air of contented disappointment; victory having been so close. Dartsy tried to claim his 18 as worth of performance of the day – still amuses me – with more valid nods going to Jordan for his fierce ten overs, #Chungfumaster for his bat and ball work and Kelv for his batting/keeper double act. But there was only one winner; debut 5-18 says it all.
S^#%bag of the day was a harder one to call, with no one standing out from the day. But the double was complete for #Dino, who was given the dubious award for the second consecutive week thanks to his bat throwing frustrations having losing his wicket and bringing our innings to a close.
No doubt there are many more moments missed out: contentious LBW appeals turned down, couple of dropped catches and some flamboyant batting in stages. Onwards to next weeks game, and remember to send in your Blainy Outfit Colour guesses in – I’ve gone for green, tangerine and leopard print in any particular order.
– Matty G